I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
