He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
