If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
