This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize