I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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