worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
