After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hippo gnu deer
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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