Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
