He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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