we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
