my vag is so smooth its legendary
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize