We need to rekindle our bromance
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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