Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
