OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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