So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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