if i can run in heels then i can drive
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
