we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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