New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
