you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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