i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
