I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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