I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Is Oprah even human
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
