I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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