I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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