Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Such a big mess for such a small penis
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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