The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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