Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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