I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
