if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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