i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
