Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
