Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Less talking, more tequila
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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