At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
the gays at disneyland are vicious
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize