I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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