My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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