Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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