i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
