i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize