While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
