He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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