The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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