At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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