I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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