i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
