I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
