chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
