i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize