Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
As shirtless as possible
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
