No awkward lesbian experiences without me
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
