You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
