why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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