Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
