only if we run a train.
done.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
