i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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