He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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